my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
