dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I'm bleeding and have questions
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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