I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
