I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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