Betty ford says i'm here all night
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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