I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
