you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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