Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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