Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
