working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize