so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
