I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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