I wish my penis had an off switch
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
