Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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