Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
