Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize