so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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