dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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