i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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