why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
