paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
This house was built for laser tag.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
