he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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