You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
