Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
