I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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