youre lurking in front of me
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
