well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize
