Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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