I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Randomize
