Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize