what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
