I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
