Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
