cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
