the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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