i love accidental penises.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
being pregnant is like rehab
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
