My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
