There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I need a beard to bite.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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