Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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