Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
