If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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