alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
