Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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