Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize