my sisters under your porch take her home
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
worst night to have a conscience
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
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