I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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