She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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