dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
