a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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