i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
