i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
