Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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