I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
