There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
