Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
