honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize