If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
