I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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