Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
