Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
