so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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