I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
